Seniors Rooming Together (avoiding the conflicts)

I recently spoke for Seniors Homing Together.  The founders have a great concept of assisting to match those who have an extra room in a home to those who need affordable housing. These are a few of the concepts to consider in a roommate situation.  One, when considering a roommate, list the top ten qualities you desire.  Qualities like cleanliness, order, creativity, easy-going, interests, alcohol or tobacco, personality traits, honesty, etc.  You should have a mix of character traits and personal preferences.  You need to ask the proposed roommate to produce a similar top ten list.  Then, write down your deal breakers.  What would cause you to evict a roommate, or for you to move out?  The other person needs to write down his or her deal breakers as well.  Now, you are ready to sit down and compare lists.  Where do you mesh?  Where do you collide?  Can you understand and support each of your deal breakers?  The person who owns or leases the property should have a list of house rules as well.  After discussing all the above, you are ready to write a covenant of common space – how will we live together?  As a part of the covenant, you need to discuss the consequences of violation.  What happens when boundaries are overrun or moved?  This is the most critical piece and where many people struggle.  Something should be said, but often is not said, because people wish to avoid conflict.  The anger can build until one of the parties evicts the other or moves out.  It can seem this decision can come out of the blue because parties never discussed the consequences of covenant violations.  Community mediation centers often assist in these type of situations.  I am in the process of producing a helpful tool to aid in how to select, keep, and if needed, dismiss a roommate.

Spring Cleaning Conflicts

Most everyone considers cleaning out the garage, the closet, or storage unit in the spring.   What to save and what to keep can create conflict.  My wife is a saver.  I am a thrower.  I attach little to no sentimental value to anything.  Earlier in our marriage, I decided to help my wife by cleaning out the kitchen.  I did this only once.  That is why we are still married after 34 years.

When it comes to spring cleaning with seniors, saving and throwing takes on more meaning, and with it, more potential conflict.  When seniors sort through things, they are considering mortality.  Will I need this any longer?  And if so, how much longer?  Some things represent past or unfulfilled dreams.  There is an element of grief associated with the saving and the throwing.  Children of seniors can easily become frustrated around how many things a parent continues to save, or angry about things that are tossed that represented value, either real or sentimental.

Here is my spring cleaning tip for seniors and their children.  Schedule a time together to attack the clutter.  A couple of Saturday afternoons for many people can keep things organized and slowly dispatch the unwanted items, either to a child, a charity, recycle, or trash.  For others, the clutter and accumulated items can be overwhelming.  You might consider hiring an organizer.  She can act as expert, and when needed, mediator, to determine a suitable and agreed upon destination for all the “stuff.”  If both parents and children conduct this ritual annually, when the day arrives a move from the home is inevitable, the work and conflict over sorting is drastically reduced.  An added plus.  As parents begin reducing items in the home and give them to children, friends, or charity, they can enjoy seeing the item used by the recipient.  This is win-win.  As a mediator, I am all about win-win and creating some peace on earth.

How to Parent My Parent

They call us the sandwich generation.  We deal with teens and early adults at the same time as our aging parents.  We can feel squished.  Sandwiched for time, money, resources, and counsel.  At times, we can even feel trapped.  What can we do?

One, you cannot do it all yourself.  Take a step back, survey the land, and decide on the first step – call someone who can resource you.  One call can make a tremendous difference in everything.  I worked hard to build and maintain a network of trusted professionals in a variety of areas, one of them being eldercare  As part of Senior Resources of Oregon, I have access to a number of helpful and trusted professionals.

We can help with finding a safe and secure residence for a parent, or ramp up home health care enabling the parent to remain in the home.  Mental and physical challenges are often part of the aging process for a parent.  A full neurological evaluation may be necessary.  Often, families try to limp by until a crisis forces an unwanted, but needed decision related to care and residence.  Most parents never wish to make a change.  They want to remain at home in a static situation.  The aging process often takes this choice away from them and the family.  This can create great tension and conflict in a family over the transition.  As a mediator, this is where I can step in and aid families in coming to consensus, developing a plan of action, and refocusing their energies on the parent.  Most families would never consider a mediator to assist them through a time of transition.  For a small fee, a family can gain a world of peace.

I develop a family action plan.  The plan includes how finances shall be handled, how resources will be used, how children will be involved in visitation or aid to the parent, and end of life legal documents and processes.  The plan creates peace within the family by clearly defining roles, relationships and responsibilities.  The family can focus on the parent, not on the conflict.

Feeling a little squished?  I do from time to time.  I am that sandwich generation with aging parents and late teens still in the house.  When you feel overwhelmed, give me a call.  I would appreciate the chance to resource you or bring a little peace to your family.  You might check out my next seminar – How to Parent My Parent, either locally in Portland or via the web.